Card holding members include the actor who played Pee-Wee Herman and Weird Al.
By Michael Menendez
The Church of SubGenius, founded in 1953 by J.R. “Bob” Dobbs and operating as SubGenius Foundation since 1979, is considered to be a doomsday cult of sorts, falling under the religious denomination of SubGenius. Claiming to be the only faith that can guarantee salvation, or TRIPLE YOUR MONEY BACK.
The Church believes that the end of the world is upon us, coming on July 5th of this year. This is not the first time that this was believed, though.
To this day, the cult contends that the end of the world occurs in 1998, a year that is relative. For 17 years, 1998 is still upon us, for how could “Bob” be wrong? A simple sending of the Xerox upside down means the year was actually 8661. This fateful day, coined “X-Day,” has had all the signs, according to Reverend Argus Q. Faux, a member of the Church of SubGenius. Not only limited to devastating disasters, Faux also says there are signs amongst humans signaling the end of days, calling it “absolute madness.”
The cause? Invaders from Planet X.
The show, called SubGenius Devival, opens its doors at 6 p.m. on the 27th at Paddy’s of Winter Park, and is to promote “being saved”. Prospective members can pay $35 to become a full-fledged legally ordained minister. “You will be granted the same legal rights as any other holy person.”
Coining it “slack,” the church helps people who are trying to find something for nothing, found on the path of the least resistant. The Devival will act as a deprogramming session, weeding out “the normals” as well to promote and encourage abnormality.
With the SubGenius, being loud and vulgar is something to admire.
The show is the first Devival in Florida in 15 years, and accepts all religions. Faux claims that those who come to The Church of SubGenius are from a diverse group of religions. The main goal of the show is to make sure that people know what is going to happen, and that their life isn’t set in stone.
“ “Bob” is an effigy,” says Faux, “and the show is the path to slack.”
Their main goal is to leave this planet, being in fact the only thing they want. Goers of the show should expect mind-blowing revelations that teach you to “pull the wool over your own eyes,” which entails being your own person, quitting your job, and slacking off.
The event will host live music (with SubGeniuses in the live orchestra) from bands such as Room Full of Strangers, The Crack Rock Opera and preachers from Tampa and Plant City (including Reverend Faux himself) as well as light shows.
This Church wants you to express yourself however you’re happy. Considering themselves not human beings, but an entirely separate race that descended from yetis and Sasquatch, who in fact created humans as slaves (something the show will promote), The Church offers the show for salvation. Card holding members (who actually include the actor known famously for playing Pee-Wee Herman and Weird Al) will be sent to pleasure saucers of the sex goddesses.
For ten to fifteen years, once on the other side of the universe, they will be given their own planet to terraform. Worldwide membership in the congregation is thought to be over 10,000.
Also, a film festival will be held at the show, with the screening of “Arise! The SubGenius Movie.” This will be the 27th Anniversary. Of course, even the most devout SubGeniuses can get down when the day hasn’t come on schedule, coined “X-Day jitters,” but are certain that this is the year. “People are welcome to feel how they want.” says Faux, and believes people that enjoy working a 9-5 are “brainwashed” in doing so.
With two weeks till the end of the world, no one has to go to the landing site.
Members will be meeting at the Wisteria Campgrounds in Athens, Ohio from June 29th through July 5th for a week of “deprogramming” for fellow yetis with estimated crowds of 200-300, including an “X-Day Drill,”… the 18th of said drill.
Michael Menendez is a student at the University of Central Florida, where he majors in journalism.