Anatomy of a Basic Bitch: Warning Signs

    What is a basic bitch? It’s easier to give a description than a concise definition. She typically has a thin personality, and reflects societal and sartorial trends in a rather garish way. A basic bitch is a stereotypical millenial. Sometimes, you can’t tell until you actually speak to her. But here are the clues…


    She goes to football games just to talk very loudly about how she “doesn’t even know what’s happening right now.”


    She posts “hot dog beach legs” photos on Instagram. She takes selfies at Publix.


    She uses the hashtag “#ForeverAlone”


    She complains about how she’s an “old cat lady,” but she’s only 22.


    She knows the words to at least one song from Frozen.


    She owns a bikini from Victoria’s Secret.


    Her dream wedding takes place in a barn.


    When “Single Ladies” comes on, she waves her left hand around like a maniac.


    She’s still obsessed with Sex and the City/Friends/Gilmore Girls, even though she was still wearing a training bra when the final episode aired.


    She calls herself a “whiskey girl.” Spoiler: she’s not.


    She probably went Paleo for a week or two, but quit, because bread.


    The first, and probably most important question is: “Am I a basic bitch?” In order to answer this, we must address the question, “Are there varying degrees of being a basic bitch?” In other words, can someone be just a little bit of a basic bitch? The answer is no. You either are a basic bitch or you aren’t.


    That said, one can possess characteristics of being a basic bitch, while not falling into the category of ‘basic bitch.’ For instance, if she’s a Friends fan, but can get through Happy Hour without checking her phone more than twice, she would not be bracketed as a basic bitch. If she owns a Victoria’s Secret bikini, but has less than ten vacation photos on her Facebook, she would also avoid the ‘basic bitch’ classification.


    If you are a basic bitch, you have two options: change, or embrace it. Being a basic bitch won’t necessarily impact your life negatively. After all, there are plenty of other basic bitches out there. You may as well gather a few, drink some Franzia, and pretend you’re embarrassed when it’s your turn on the karaoke machine.


    Sara O’Connor was born and raised in east Central Florida. After graduating with honors from Florida State University, she moved to the Great White North. After eight winter months, she came to her senses and moved back to where she could enjoy 105 degree weather.