By Meg Jarowski
Women have sex for many different reasons.
This sometimes surprises men, who have sex for only one reason: because they want to.
Women also have sex for this reason, hopefully more often than for any other.
But we also have sex because someone else wants us to, because it will end a fight, as a trade off for having someone hold us and caress and kiss us. We have sex for power, for promotions, for money or material possessions. We have sex when we cave in to pressure from our lovers, even though all we really wanted was a nice make out session, because once you start things, you have to follow through, or you’re just a big tease, right?
I realize that these sound like negative stereotypes that are pushed to “de-sexualize” women or diminish their sexuality. It is an old (and incorrect) belief among many that ‘women don’t want sex.’ I do not mean to perpetuate these stereotypes.
But those “other” reasons that women have sex? They are not just bullshit propaganda. They are true. As true as the fact that women also have sex because they enjoy it.
And as true as the fact that women cheat. A lot.
A recent study by Dr. David Holmes, a psychologist at Manchester Metropolitan University, says that just over 15 percent of women cheat. That’s just under the 20 percent of the male population that cheats. (source: the Daily Mail U.K.)
Women are catching up to men in infidelity, but they far surpass them in covering their tracks. The study also showed that 95 percent of women don’t get caught, as compared to 83 percent of men. (source: Africa News)
Women are better liars, and men are more inclined to believe them. Dangerous combo.
I know this firsthand, because I am a cheater.
I have cheated on every boyfriend I’ve had since the 8th grade. (I’d like to apologize to my old bf’s that I am friends with on Facebook if this is the way I am breaking the news to you. Really, I’m sure this is mortifying and enraging. My deep, deep apologies.)
I have cheated because I was bored, lonely, horny, curious, angry, sad, feeling really ugly, feeling really sexy, because it was with someone I really shouldn’t have been with, because it was someone really hot, because it was someone really available.
And I have never once been caught.
Plenty of my boyfriends have found out. Because I told them.
I am that cheater. The one who tells. I must be like, the 1%. If that study I mentioned is accurate, than roughly 10% of cheaters are found out. Of that group, how many do you think offer up the information without provocation or suspicion from their partner?
Probably close to 7. Not percent. Seven people.
I have told numerous boys of my infidelity without even a hint of mistrust from them. Because I feel so guilty about it. I make myself sick sometimes carrying around the weight of my bad decisions. I have forced myself into panic attacks, deep depressions and suicide-watch hospital stays because of my shame over the things that I have done.
I am a cheater. But I would really like not to be.
So this is why I am starting this blog. I am beginning a process that I’m sure will be exceedingly painful, embarrassing, humbling, and frightening in the hopes that I can stop hurting people that I love. Including myself.
I will be reaching out to therapists, psychologists and relationship experts for the answer to my question: Why do I cheat?
I would also like to reach out to other (I can’t use the word ‘fellow’ because it just feels wrong) cheaters to answer the question: Why do you cheat?
I’ll chronicle the information that I find on this blog, along with my continued sexcapades. I will be honest and unmerciful (to myself) and be fair (and slightly more kind) to others.
I have no delusions of this becoming some open and honest place of healing and sharing for those who have cheated or been cheated on. I start this knowing the amount of hate and open disgust that I will face. To some people this will always be a black-and-white situation: Cheating is bad, always. Adulterers are sluts and whores. No one should ever forgive a cheater.
I get it. Cheating sucks. I know that. But I’m risking all you high-horse jackasses because I need a real and dynamic way to deal with what is a real and complex problem in my life, and I’m betting that other people out there do too.
So c’mon, give it to me. I’ll take all of the gritty stories and the terrible judgement, because at the top of this gauntlet-laced, shard-of-glass strewn hill is freakin’ sweet truth and change.
And that’s fucking worth it.
Meg Jarowski, a former Orlando resident and graduate of Valencia College, now resides in Boulder, Colorado. When she’s not spending time in therapy, desperately trying to cure her sex/relationship addiction and chronic infidelity, she enjoys stand-up comedy, copious amounts of alcohol, and walking her dog.
